WARNING: This post contains harsh language and is a self-indulgent harangue against poorly-executed marketing and idiocy in general. Therefore, if you are sensitive to strong language, a fan of ’Mike’s Hard Lemonade’, or an idiot, you will be offended and should proceed at your own risk.

Now that I’m like a ‘REAL LIVE BLOGGER!’ I occasionally discover strange and unsolicited emails in my inbox via my Contact form and other means. Most of these are pleasant, provide me with offers of samples, inquire about advertising, or promote their product in a respectful and mannered way, offering recipe ideas for their product (usually including nefarious ingredients such as sweet & sour) or otherwise getting their name in front of me. However, occasionally, you get something so absurd, so misdirected, and, in this case, horrifyingly and self-consciously trying to hit a mildly misogynistic and/or possibly pop-culture and irony-laden reference-loving and/or possibly middle-aged with kids – but we’re not sure – but still, try our product dude!! Dude?!- you still there bra? that well, I just got taken aback a bit.  

The Full Text:¹ 

---

From: TRUST

To: gabriel@cocktailnerd.com

Subject: www.mikesology.com – cocktailnerd form 

With Mike’s Hard Lemonade

you don’t need to change at all

Mike’s Hard Lemonade recently launched a fully interactive and instructional website (www.mikesology.com). The site has outrageous info, tips, downloadable audio, photos, and video clips for anyone looking to dodge the boredom of responsibility. Visitors are invited inside the gates to learn the secrets and special Jedi skills necessary to revel in the beauty of being a slacker. We’ve all been there. We know the drill.We mature, get our own places, and are forced to change by girlfriends, fiancées, parents, and even bosses. Topics like gutter cleaning, fine art, faking a golf swing, and yard games are all covered. We are supposed to talk about 401k’s, read ancient books, and wear formal gear…you name it, it’s lame. With a major in Mikesology, you can be like a method actor —in your own life.

---

Ok, glad we got that out of our system. I’m not sure what kind of marketing firm consulted the Mark Anthony Group (which owns and distributes the product) but they should be bound, gagged, and tossed in the river post-haste. And, if it’s an inside job – heaven forbid – , then they need to look at their hiring and selection practices and whether the person responsible is actually a mole. Let’s desconstruct this slovenly excuse for an attempt to entice people to your product *ahem*.

The Evisceration:

---

With Mike’s Hard Lemonade

you don’t need to change at all² - What, my pants? Sounds awesome…I freaking hate pants!

Mike’s Hard Lemonade recently launched a fully interactive and instructional website (www.mikesology.com). - Let’s start with the sentence itself; it’s about as fun and exciting as marketing collateral for dryer vent hose. Really, they have?…KILLER, BRA! Now, I visited this thing, for about 3 minutes. I went there as an honest attempt to find fodder for this post, and from a usability standpoint it’s just shoddy. All flash, and no focus. Do they really think the fucking 17-year-old college-dorm-dwelling-wannabes that this seems to be targeted to really have time, 1: to wait for the stupid thing to load, or 2: hunt every freaking Easter Egg there down and from poorly written and obtuse clues glean what the hell you’re supposed to be doing? Fully interactive? – no, Instructional? – fuck off, Fun? – dear god please get a drink in my hand, and anything but Mike’s Hard Lemonade, because this the 3rd circle of hell realized on the Internet. Let’s continue:

The site has outrageous info, tips, downloadable audio, photos, and video clips for anyone looking to dodge the boredom of responsibility. Visitors are invited inside the gates³ to learn the secrets and special Jedi skills necessary to revel in the beauty of being a slacker. - Once again, no, it’s not ‘outrageous’ and it damned well doesn’t have it. Here’s the downloadable content I found in my 3 minute trek: A fucking cut-out I’m supposed to print out and put around one of the books I have on my shelves⁴ to make it look like War & Peace by Tolstoy. Got that everyone? For some reason, and incongruously at best, I’m supposed to take time out, find a color printer to print this retarded thing out, and then put it around a book to make it look like I have an intellectual bent as it gets shelved between this and this.

You’re mixed up, TRUST, because the last time I checked, the types of girls interested in the type of guy this site thinks it’s about and will attract aren’t checking a dude’s bookshelf for Tolstoy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you, but jesus, THIS is your value-added content? It’s like a room of 50-year-olds sat around brainstorming⁵ and mind-mapping out what the ‘kids are into these days’ and then picked some oddly contrived ‘opposites’ of those things to put on the site. I’ll pass. And don’t try to win me back with your post-modern hip-nerd reference to Jedis. Qui-Gon, Kit Fisto, and Obi-Wan were many many things, but slackers wasn’t one of them.

We know the drill.We mature, get our own places, and are forced to change by girlfriends, fiancées, parents, and even bosses. Topics like gutter cleaning, fine art, faking a golf swing, and yard games are all covered. We are supposed to talk about 401k’s, read ancient books, and wear formal gear…you name it, it’s lame. With a major in Mikesology, you can be like a method actor —in your own life. - You know the drill? ‘Getting your own place’ is a bummer? Really? Wow, because I remember it being the most awesome thing in my life, ever, and it allowing me to party harder than I ever had before. What, are you thinking we don’t ‘get our own places’ before the age of 30 nowadays? Or is this a weird amalgamation of themes to appeal to any possible male you might ever possibly send this to? Hrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm; ‘get your own place’ – a drag to a 40-year-old in his parent’s basement, check; ‘forced to change by girlfriends’ – a drag to weak-minded 30-somethings who now feel lucky to have a girlfriend despite deep character flaws, check; ‘fiancees’ – see above, but weaker, check; ‘parents’ – a drag to people we shouldn’t be sending this to, check!

And seriously, topics like ‘fine art’, ‘faking a golf swing’, and ‘formal gear’? Huh?!! Who the hell are they sending this to? You know what’s ‘lame’, asstards; I’ve never heard the term ‘formal gear’ in my freaking life. I picture some sort of weird tuxedo/camouflage thing equipped with night-vision goggles and silencer attachments; for taking out the hottie and killing commies like our daddies did I suppose. And news flash, you idiots, people worried about gutter cleaning, their golf swing, and 401ks aren’t looking to Mike’s Hard Lemonade to cure their ills. Them I’ve met, and they’re usually looking for something that doesn’t conjure a manly man’s name, the term ‘Hard’, and wussy drinks like ‘Lemonade’ so prevalently connected. Or, that don’t suck. I’m just sayin’. When they want something ‘Hard’ they actually drink something hard like single-malt Scotch…neat, not your weak-assed alcopop.

And, my god, ‘method actor –in your own life’? What the fuck does that even meeeeaaaaan, man? Again, they just brainstormed hip-sounding crap that has no meaning… Hey, the kids all know method acting, right? Yeah – like DeNiro and Hoffman; they’re big-time stars! Yeah, let’s say it’s like method acting – in your life! WOOHOOO, we got ourselves a winner! Break out the MHL boys!

Lay all this on top of the fact that the only Mike’s Hard Lemonade allowed to be sold in Oklahoma is 3.2% ABV (due to some really really old alcohol laws on the books that I’ll get into someday) and you have an even more ironic, and sad, reading of this thing. So, retailers and marketing firms, let this be a warning; offer me samples – I’ll be fair and would love to have them, offer me thought-out recipes – I might just try them, offer me information to build my product knowledge – it might just be interesting and lead me to seek it out, but please do not insult my freaking intelligence. It makes the baby Mike cry.

1. all punctuation and formatting maintained from the original to incriminate the stupid [↩]
2. you’re already likely a 17 to 20-year-old  lame no-taste-having sad sack of crap!! [↩]
3. of fucking Hell [↩]
4. thanks for the presumption I own a book, fellas [↩]
5. or ‘imagineering’! [↩]