Those 8 of you that were actually awaiting the results of the contest, there is a winner; I’ve just been too taken up with Real Life (RL©) and spewing clean-outs in my basement coating everything within in rotten detritus and funk to get to much of anything blog-related done recently. The basic run-down however is that the entries fell into three categories:

• Cocktail mixers being used in nefarious and inappropriate ways,
• Cocktail mixers being just plain awful, and
• Using mixing ingredients as substitutes when they really ought not be.

Let’s take an example from each¹ , the first being:

One of the worst mixer experiences of my life occurred in a bar in the heat of New York City’s summers smack dab in the center of the West Village. The bar, called The Red Lion had a special out front that specified ‘Rosé Wine for the Summertime–2 to 1!!’. Being naive and a lover of rosé I sauntered in on a hot evening with several friends to listen to the music and see what in the hell this special was all about. As I was nominated to gather the first drinks, I made the mistake of asking the bartender ‘What kind of rosé is on special tonight..is it French? Californian?” He grinned with a sinister and almost mocking smile when he told me, “Well, actually it’s all our corked white wine for the week mixed with our lovely
strawberry daiquiri mix!!!”

I personally like this because it’s a two-for-one tale of drinking woe: the misuse of a mixer in drinks and an object lesson of just how shoddy bartending practices have become in far too many bars. For the bartender to freely admit, and almost gloat at the establishment’s disdain for its clientele, not to mention using a mixer in a freaking Rosé, goes to show how depraved most public drinking has become. Have you no decency, bartending guy, at long last?!

To illustrate the second type of mixer mishap with which I was presented we have:

My girlfriend and I were in the Whole Foods in my town, planning a nice, leisurely brunch, when we decided to pick up some Bloody Mary mix. We were going to go with one of the major brands, until she saw one marked with the green “Local” tag. So, we took home a bottle of Memphis Mary Mix, “Now With Southern Spices.” The next morning, I added some Stoly to the mix, gave it a stir, and took a sip of the booziest barbecue sauce I’ve ever had.

Now, far be it from me to dis on boozy barbecue sauce, I can think of worse things to drink² . But, very often when finding and using a mixer that stands out using a gimmick such as ‘Locally Grown’, ‘100% Organic’, or ‘Will Give Sexual Perks within Minutes!!’³ , caveat emptor. More often than not these are products designed with utility and purpose as an afterthought versus having the drink, and presumably the drinker, for which they’re supposedly designed, in mind.

Finally, we have a fellow blogger from his post:

I was shopping one day when I stumbled into the Kosher section and found a product that I thought, “Hey let’s buy this and see what it’s all about.” That product would be dried kosher egg whites. Hmmm . . . you add some to warm water and stir for 2.6897 minutes, according to the strangely specific instructions, and VOILA! you have an egg white. Throw it in your mixing tin and off to the races.

And now, your Scofflaw’s Den Public Service Announcement:

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY AND RIGHT IN THIS WORLD DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

This was some bad mojo!!! First of all, the powered “egg” doesn’t really “mix” with warm water. It kind of sits there and forms a goop. Yes, a goop. Oh, and it foams. Yes, foamy goop.

Second, it smells. A smell somewhere between the two that was concocted within the depths of Hell most likely from whatever washed out of Hitler’s dirty underroos. (And yes, considering this is a Kosher product should be viewed as double damning!)

Finally, this hell created stench contaminates everything it touches. [Everything from] the little mixing bowl, the mixing glass, the mixing tin, the hawthorn strainer…and the garbage disposal that almost threw it up back at me. I happened to have the dish detergent that has the bleach alternative in it. Yeah, it took two washings of everything to get the stench out.

So I came away with a ruined drink and a boat load of knowledge to pass along. Please learn from my mistakes. Use fresh egg whites. Maybe the egg whites you can buy in a paper carton, but I haven’t tried those and therefore can’t vouch for them.

Ahem, well, I can say from my own experience that the only egg white fit to use in a cocktail is just that, a damned egg white. Besides, I enjoy the gentle art and skill of separating eggs. Like my love of pens and stationary, it’s not easily explained.

For style I have to give a whole lot of credit to Marshall for his entry but something in me says, “What, you tried what?!?! And you expected huh?!”, and I can’t entirely blame the product for that. But again, well-written and entertaining nonetheless.

I have to give the prize to Joe who nearly took one for the team where corked wine and sub-standard Daquiri mixer congealed into a Cronenbergian© dystopian taste experience that may have led him reeling like Dr. Benway along the New York City streets. I appreciate all of the entries and thank you for the interest and participation. It’s been fun, mostly…

1. some entries have been edited for length and grammar, but not style [↩]
2. I’ve actually had one of these on a dare in my less evolved drinking days [↩]
3. I actually scanned my junk folder for an actual spam subject line-just amazing [↩]