The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland
Absurd, and annoying, but funny May 29th, 2008
I throw quite a few shindigs and I like to think I bring together the right type and range of people that will generally enjoy one another deeply for an evening and yet not become such close friends that, after some time, they abandon….me. A few years ago I held a New Year’s Eve Party and a lot of old friends that had moved to, and remain in, California were visiting Tulsa and were invited. I was very excited to see them and wanted things to go off well. I also invited local friends and family which, necessarily, includes my brother-in-law. Unfortunately for me, specifically, and the party, generally, my brother-in-law’s girlfriend at the time also had an out-of-town friend visiting and asked, sheepishly, if I minded if they brought this friend along. Well, why not, right?1
Why not, indeed. While this was before my more enlightened drinking days I still liked to put a good spread of alcohol and this begat ‘The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland’. A drink born of woe, ignorance, and boorishness. All of the below is true. I leave you to it:
The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland (aka A step-by-step guide to confirming, to the world, you’re an utter asshat)
1 pt Scotch2
1 pt Kahlua
1 pt Butterscotch Schnapps
1 pt Cask & Cream Caramel Liqueur
1 pt Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper
2 pts Idiot3
Instructions:
Prior to mixing your STS:
Prior to making your STS comment on how cheap rent is in Tulsa compared to wherever you’re from, and then immediately ask how much the host’s mortgage is for such a large house, and then do a turnabout saying, ‘That’s high!’ and further add to the insult to your host by asking the follow-up question, ‘Is that a thirty-year note?’ Be sure to state several times that the school you’re attending is not a degree-granting school and yet your parents are paying really embarrassing amount for it4 . Look perplexed anytime someone asks ‘So what are your plans after school/What will you do with that?’
Making your STS:
Get a rocks glass
Attempt to unscrew the cork in the scotch bottle for 2 minutes, then pull up. Pour an ounce of scotch into your glass. Sift through the liqueurs and clank several bottles together to draw attention to yourself. Mix the Kahlua, Buttershots, and Caramel liqueurs in that order.
Exclaim, ‘Oh!’
Add the Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper on top of the mix. Do not stir. Approach the host with the glass high in front of you and explain that your drink seems to have curdled the cream liqueur and you’d like a straw. Recriminate the host/hostess for giving the drink a distasteful look and laughing at your trying to unscrew the cork to the Scotch as he/she gives you the straw. Briskly stir the drink.
After mixing your STS:
Approach several unsuspecting single men/women who have not yet made a decision as to whether they should try and make a move on you and say, loudly and in close proximity to them, ‘This is the best drink ever!, try it!’
Note who actually takes a drink, this is your best bet.
Attempt to connect with said ‘best bet’ for the evening by running through a list of people you knew once that may have been in the same bar as this person over a four year period in which this person lived within 100 miles of them or you. Insist that this person danced like a fairy and wore raver outfits for a period roughly 7-10 years ago (Note: if the person is wearing a raver outfit, use ‘cowboy’). When the person protests, act incredulous and restate yourself more loudly make yourself another STS (see above).
Take the host/hostess’s currently most recently prized possession and drunkenly fuck with it. Mess with the party music, hi-fi equipment, and/or playlist and explain that ‘YOU ALL MUST SIMPLY HEAR THIS SONG!!’ (Bonus points if the above two steps are combined)
Dance ’sexily’ in a narrow space between to paired off people/triads attempting to have a conversation about something other than yourself. Accept compliments offered ironically, without irony.
Get taken to a bar and left behind.
Stranded at bar:
Clack your press-ons at the bartender incessantly and order ‘The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland’.
This is not a composite of characters or events from many parties I’ve had over the years. This is a singularity to be avoided at all costs. Share your party guest nightmares and, if you ask politely, I might just send you the subject’s name.5
- to my brother-in-law’s credit he continues to acknowledge how horrible this was for everyone and apologize for it [↩]
- must be aged at least 12 years and over and cost no less than $35/L, anything less won’t do where you’re from [↩]
- Can be substituted with ‘Douche’ in a pinch [↩]
- I presume having you 2000 miles away is well worth the investment [↩]
- oddly enough, during that same visit to Tulsa from Boston she showed up at another party a friend of mine held and pretty much acted in the same manner. Luckily, I did not attend. Sorry Joe. [↩]
what?? I can’t believe this story… I mean, I’ve seen people being impolite, but asking about the mortgage?? too far. And the drink. The drink must suck.
Wow! It wasn’t til the end that I realized that you were talking about a woman. Yikes!
The best I can offer in response is:
A) When your vision becomes blurred enough that you find it hard to see the shrimp in the bowl of Shrimp Sea Island, feel free to stick your hand right in the bowl and root around until you find sufficient shrimp by feel.
B) When leaving the event, be sure to stop by and throw up in the flower bed right by the front door.
C) After puking in the flowers, stumble further down the path and take a header into a large spruce shrub, leaving scratches and cuts on your face for everyone to enjoy and remember for days.
On the plus side, if you are having difficulties getting your oriental poppies to thrive, try puking on them. The finest, most vigorous poppies I’ve ever managed were those post-puke gamers who came back strong!
I pretty sure I met that girl at a frat party in college.
I subsequently stopped going to frat parties.
What i can say about this is that your soirees have definitely improved. and your choice of friends. alas, your brother-in-law is the same one.
As goes my taste in drinking, so goes the quality of my parties; I agree.
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