As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a fan of guilty pleasures. I refuse myself as little as possible in life and, occasionally, this leads to make drinks that, shall we say, I would be ashamed to serve my high school girlfriend’s sorority-loving sister. And, about once-a-year, that means the Horny Monkey. This is a Pina Colada gone horribly wrong, and that’s saying something.

The malevolent forces that align to drive me into the arms of the Horny Monkey tend to fall out like this:

  1. It’s late, very late
  2. I’m drunk, very drunk
  3. It’s Summer
  4. I’m looking for a combination of alcohol and sugar shock to stay awake
  5. There are no manly men present.1

So, should you find yourself in this scenario, your demise goes something like this:

Horny Monkey

  • 1 1/2oz Creme de Banana2
  • 1/2oz Rum
  • 1oz Vodka
  • 2oz Cream of Coconut3
  • Pineapple juice
  • 1 banana
  • Cinnamon

Shake all ingredients except pineapple juice, banana (duh), and cinnamon with ice. Strain into an ice-filled Collins glass and top with pineapple juice. garnish with a whole banana4 and dust with cinnamon.

This triple threat of suck; vodka5 , craptastic Creme de-freaking Banana, and a bomb of uber-sweet Cream of Coconut (seriously, use Coco Lopez), fat, and sugar6 makes this drink feloniously brilliant. There is nothing to recommend this except that it will tweak your amygdala’s pleasure center in ways it hasn’t since you were a child and jammed your face into a bag of cotton candy. It’s beautiful in its ludicrousness.

This comes from a Tiki drink deck that, since informing myself by way of Jeff Berry and Trader Vic, was my introduction to Tiki-style drinks7 . The Horny Monkey causes me the same sensation as when i think back to Junior High and I stuffed and entire semesters’ worth love poems into the prettiest girl in class’s locker just before the holiday break. My poetry’s not good, people. And the welling of red-faced shame and dread I experience in remembering that has not diminished for time. It was an amateur move, much like making this drink. But, I’ve not changed much; in a fit of impulsiveness, I can’t help myself.

You will twinge at how sweet it is in the first few sips and then, as the wave of gut-clenching nausea passes and the drink dilutes a bit, you will come to realize that it’s a small drop of heaven placed in a glass.

Heaven for 3-year-olds, that is. Enjoy.

Horny Monkey Rating: ★★☆☆☆8

Thanks for hosting, Stevi, a great theme and a lot of fun.

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  1. unless you’re looking to distract a group of gentlemen playing cards by fits of laughter, this drink is a bad idea to pull amongst men whose regard of your virility you value [↩]
  2. I use Massenez du Bananananaanee de Vivre! [↩]
  3. did your heart just stop? I swear I heard it stop… [↩]
  4. ok, see, this proves the base retardation involved in this recipe…shoving an entire banana into this thing is madness, unless you want to save yourself the trouble and spill 80% of it out on the table, but I digress [↩]
  5. unaffectionately called “poser fluid” at the Mixoloseum [↩]
  6. see Nutritional Information below [↩]
  7. the fucking Mai Tai calls for Creme de Noyaux – that’s the sort of thing we’re working with here people [↩]
  8. and yes, those are actually the nutritional facts associated with this drink *sans* alcohol [↩]