As you may have seen in my last post in this series of absinthe reviews, I’ve collected a few absinthes and will be giving them my due consideration over the next few months. You can read more about my tasting process in that post but suffice it to say that I’m allowing the absinthe to express its character in a very specific way, by mixing it with sugar and water in various forms¹ . This, to me, is slightly more reliable than drinking it neat (though I’ve been known to do that) and a better measure of it’s quality than dousing it in something like a Corpse Reviver or Monkey Gland.

But, in this post, I’ll be doing something a bit different with one of them. You see, something has caught my attention, and my ire. Allow me my traditional reviews of Obsello and Pernod and then indulge me in a trip to cocktail-blogger-hell where we’ll discuss Le Tourment Vert and all its ignominious and ignoble qualities.

Obsello has only very recently come to the U.S. and was the first Spanish absinthe to visit our shores. Spanish absinthe originated after many distillers moved from France to Spain in the early 20th-century and is typically considered a sweeter form. The bottle is reminiscent of a champagne bottle and is mercifully free of anything mentioning artificial coloring, a common problem among many of these. It also comes with a harrying and large wax seal around the cap. Several crow-bars, near misses with knives, and chipped chisels later, I was ready to try it. Drip: Obsello recommends a 3:1 ratio of water-to-absinthe. I don’t. Back this down to 1.5-2oz water to an ounce of absinthe to make it really sing and have the “oomph” it deserves. This has a very strong anise front that, thankfully, dissipates quickly. It settles quickly into a woodsy and wormwood bitterness and slight vanilla hints with a long long finish. There’s still a bit of heat throughout the ordeal. Frappe: This is lovely in a frappe. The thinness it struggles with in the drip is completely gone and the concentration of the Obsello comes through in a fine way. The initial bite of anise in the drip is tamped-down but lingers longer and a new cocoa flavor comes along for the ride as it finishes. There’s less bitterness and, all in all, it makes for a more pleasant drink than the drip. This is a very nice traditional absinthe that, if you can find it for around $60, I highly recommend. It pours a beautiful, and natural-looking, pale green color and louches quickly and in fantastic fashion. This isn’t the most deep or complex absinthe in the group, but it’s very respectable and you could do worse. Much worse.

Pernod, of course, is known as the “original” absinthe having started production in the late 1700s. It’s only recently reached Oklahoma and I was glad to add it to the mix. It pours a slightly yellowish-green, belying its FD&C Yellow No. 5 roots, but isn’t horribly artificial in its appearance, unlike some. Drip: This takes longer to louche than the Obsello but, once it does, appears creamy and lush. Pernod stands up in a drip better than the Obsello and asserts itself nicely with a more dry and herbal profile. The anise flavors are present, but ultimately it rounds itself into more gentian/herbal tones with a lighter hint of wormwood than most. The anise is also more of the “star anise” quality than fennel which leads to a little less complexity than I’d like. Frappe: Surprisingly, this dries out even further in a frappe. It made me realize that the sweetness I experienced in the Obsello may be mostly due to its creamier feel, as the Pernod runs quickly across the tongue. The Obsello’s frappe beats this hands down in terms of both pleasantness and richness. Unfortunately, I would look to Pernod Absinthe for dry and minor complexity as an absinthe for use in mixed drinks rather than featuring it on its own. It’s not a depressingly horrid product but as I drank it in these two drinks and let it sit on the palate it devolved into a sort of chemical artificiality that was wholly unwelcome. On its own, it leaves something to be desired.

I’m going to save you $60. Right now. Call your dad. Don’t worry, he’ll take your call2 . Ask your dad for two things, his Aqua Velva (Old Spice will do in a pinch) and a bottle of cheap tequila. If he doesn’t have tequila then Everclear will do. Or, barring that, a gun. Once acquired, set them side-by-side. Pour 1oz of your father’s aftershave of preference in a glass…down it. There, you’ve now tasted Le Tourment Vert at 1/30th the price. Your problem now? How to forget. You have two options, down the tequila or Everclear in one great Herculean swig and hope that the resulting brain damage erases the memory of having tasted Le Tourment3 . Or, you can make damned sure you forget with a bullet. Whatever’s on the other side is preferable, I assure you. Unnaturally blue, uninspiringly flaccid, astoundingly nasty, unfathomably thin, unsparingly acrid, and unrepentently synthetic it’s everything bad sex is, and more, and is probably the second-worst booze I’ve ever tasted. Thanks, Le Tourment, the torment is all mine. To add insult to injury? They’re fucking spammers. And I have something I’d like to say about that, meet me under the fold, please.

Pernod Absinthe Rating:

Le Tourment Vert Rating: ⁴

Spam This, Bitches:

It’s not enough that your product is despairingly bad, Le Tourment, and that people everywhere have to pay for the privilege of such bottled evil before realizing it. It’s not enough that you’ve put a sub-standard product on the market that is riding the coattails of ever-growing absinthe appreciation and enthusiasm and on the backs of quality brands such as Marteau, Obsello, St. George, and others. It’s not enough that your product barely resembles anything remotely related to absinthe much less something potable. No, you have to spam my comments and burn 10-15 minutes of each of my days for the past few weeks filtering it out. Shame on you, on both counts.

As a cocktail blogger and writer I can tell you that some PR firms “get” it. They understand that to gain our attention requires time, respect, and communication. You know, like any other human with self-respect. Sure, blogging is a labor of love, first and foremost, but it also requires time and effort and attention and a good many of us also write in some professional capacity. That you would think, essentially, taking a dump on our doorstep every day⁵ and making us clean it up would engender some sort of good will, admiration, or desire to promote your product only illustrates your ignorance, disregard, and, I suspect, your secretly-held disdain for bloggers in general. After all, if I shit on *your* doorstep every day, you might take it that I don’t like you either.

Let me provide this illustration by example. You know those folks going door-to-door trying to get you to attend their church, subscribe to The Watchtower, or generally asking you personal questions about your relationship with God which is none of their damned business? Off-putting at best, and insulting at worst. Now, take that example, have them arrive every day for the past 3-4 weeks and then add a kicker. Not only do they make daily visits, they also have an associate that writes “Jesus is the awesomezt, have you tried him?,” or, “I’ve heard Shiva is nice, but have you tried Jesus? Americans are crazy for him!” on your front door in dry-erase marker. Every…single…fucking….day. Some days two or three times. Yes, easy enough to clean off. Yes, it’s not really *hurting* anyone. But, what does it say about how they feel about you, your home⁶ , and your time? It says, to me, “Fuck you, our message is more important than you and you’re not deserving of the respect or time it would require to actually key your interest in our message, product, or business.” And, what does it make you think of that church, religion, or publication? Nothing good, I assure you. So, thanks Le Tourment. I didn’t like your product in the first place but was willing to equivocate a bit. Then you had to spam me. All your PR firm has done is prove that it has no respect for me, and, I would venture, no faith in your product.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are firms that do this right. I’ve had great experiences with Brand Action Team, The Baddish Group, and Brown-Forman and would put them in front of anyone looking for best practices on how to work with the cocktail blogging community to build influence and exposure for a product⁷ . Each of them, in different ways, has taken our influence seriously, taken their time to speak with us personally and inquire after their product(s) after sending it to us, and sought our feedback and insights on those products. I’m willing to listen carefully to them about their products, share my issues, and take their feedback into account when they disagree with my assessment. I would think this should be any firm’s goal.

Spamming my comments⁸ , sending me unsolicited emails asking me to feature a crappy batch of recipes that I can tell by looking at them didn’t have mixological principles in mind, just the heavy use of XYZ product for its own sake, or emailing me a lamely-worded press release in-toto and asking me to run it on my site is telling me that you either don’t know me, don’t read my site, or, if you do, don’t take me seriously. I can live with that. But, please, do me the favor and be honest in your not respecting me and my ilk. In other words, leave me the fuck alone. Pretend I don’t exist, and I’ll pretend you don’t either.

Because, when you act like I exist, here’s what I get:^{9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25}

And this is only what I can dredge up from my history in the past week or so. Sad, alarming, and completely unnecessary. I hope any brands reading this know that I’ll be happy to give your product a fair shake and its due. I just hope you’ve selected a PR firm that can treat us with respect, forthrightness, and dignity. As for you, Cashmere, the IP addresses from which the above come²⁶ have been permanently banned. Well done for you, and well done for your client.

Darcy at The Art of Drink

Jon at DrinkPlanner

SeanMike at Scofflaw’s Den

Marleigh at SLOSHED!

Blair at Trader Tiki’s Booze Blog

Chris at An Exercise in Hospitality

Stevi at Two at the Most

Tiare at A Mountain of Crushed Ice

Paul at the Cocktail Chronicles

Chuck at Looka!

Matt at A Jigger of Blog

1. in other words, an absinthe drip and an absinthe frappe [↩]
2. as long as you didn’t give him Le Tourment Vert for Christmas [↩]
3. but please, go all “Memento” and leave notes to yourself all over the joint saying “Don’t trust the Blue Reaper” or something along those lines [↩]
4. it will keep you alive when the zombies come, so it gets 1/2 star for caloric value [↩]
5. granted, you’ve been nice enough to mold the fecal material into the shape of your brand name, thanks for that – at least I know who to blame [↩]
6. and believe me, this is my “home” [↩]
7. there are others, mind you, these just come to mind first [↩]
8. I’m sorry, “virally-seeding message board discussions” is the euphemism of choice, right? [↩]
9. “I keep hearing about his bohemian absinthe. The only brand i have tried is LE TOURMENT VERT. It was really good too! I suggest it to all absinthe lovers!” [↩]
10. “I might have to try this” [↩]
11. “Is this drink in the states yet?” [↩]
12. “Verte is the best one to me! Le tourment vert is so good and is really taking Americans by storm” [↩]
13. “Can’t wait to start trying absinthe!” [↩]
14. “That looks like fun…I’m gonna have to attend!” [↩]
15. “absinthe nice. my new favorite drink.” [↩]
16. “gonna try the financial district tonight” [↩]
17. “Not a big fan of vermouth but that drink sounds good!” [↩]
18. “what is this guy talking about?” [↩]
19. “since it has the word “ginger” in it, it should be pretty healthy, right? that’s what i’ll tell anyone who asks.” [↩]
20. “What are some great new cocktails?” [↩]
21. “Your description makes my mouth water. “Almond and lemon lingers after swallowing, with a modest alcohol burn.” Sounds incredible.” [↩]
22. “Yaw silly….. what yaw drinking on?” [↩]
23. “this looks delicious!” [↩]
24. “i’ve never been a fan of mixed drinks until i came into the poison apple martini

    POISON APPLE MARTINI
    Easily batched for the mini carafe bottles
    1oz Le Tourment Absinthe
    1/2oz Apple Pucker
    1/2oz Sweet Sour
    Splash Cranberry Juice
    - Shake well and strain into rocks glass
    “ [↩]

25. “I’m starting to grow on absinthe.” [↩]
26. of which there are only 2 [↩]
27. albeit much more judiciously than myself, I’m sure [↩]