As a cocktail blogger and writer I can tell you that some PR firms “get” it. They understand that to gain our attention requires time, respect, and communication. You know, like any other human with self-respect. Sure, blogging is a labor of love, first and foremost, but it also requires time and effort and attention and a good many of us also write in some professional capacity. That you would think, essentially, taking a dump on our doorstep every day¹ and making us clean it up would engender some sort of good will, admiration, or desire to promote your product only illustrates your ignorance, disregard, and, I suspect, your secretly-held disdain for bloggers in general. After all, if I shit on *your* doorstep every day, you might take it that I don’t like you either.

Let me provide this illustration by example. You know those folks going door-to-door trying to get you to attend their church, subscribe to The Watchtower, or generally asking you personal questions about your relationship with God which is none of their damned business? Off-putting at best, and insulting at worst. Now, take that example, have them arrive every day for the past 3-4 weeks and then add a kicker. Not only do they make daily visits, they also have an associate that writes “Jesus is the awesomezt, have you tried him?,” or, “I’ve heard Shiva is nice, but have you tried Jesus? Americans are crazy for him!” on your front door in dry-erase marker. Every…single…fucking….day. Some days two or three times. Yes, easy enough to clean off. Yes, it’s not really *hurting* anyone. But, what does it say about how they feel about you, your home² , and your time? It says, to me, “Fuck you, our message is more important than you and you’re not deserving of the respect or time it would require to actually key your interest in our message, product, or business.” And, what does it make you think of that church, religion, or publication? Nothing good, I assure you. So, thanks Le Tourment. I didn’t like your product in the first place but was willing to equivocate a bit. Then you had to spam me. All your PR firm has done is prove that it has no respect for me, and, I would venture, no faith in your product.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are firms that do this right. I’ve had great experiences with Brand Action Team, The Baddish Group, and Brown-Forman and would put them in front of anyone looking for best practices on how to work with the cocktail blogging community to build influence and exposure for a product³ . Each of them, in different ways, has taken our influence seriously, taken their time to speak with us personally and inquire after their product(s) after sending it to us, and sought our feedback and insights on those products. I’m willing to listen carefully to them about their products, share my issues, and take their feedback into account when they disagree with my assessment. I would think this should be any firm’s goal.

Spamming my comments⁴ , sending me unsolicited emails asking me to feature a crappy batch of recipes that I can tell by looking at them didn’t have mixological principles in mind, just the heavy use of XYZ product for its own sake, or emailing me a lamely-worded press release in-toto and asking me to run it on my site is telling me that you either don’t know me, don’t read my site, or, if you do, don’t take me seriously. I can live with that. But, please, do me the favor and be honest in your not respecting me and my ilk. In other words, leave me the fuck alone. Pretend I don’t exist, and I’ll pretend you don’t either.

Because, when you act like I exist, here’s what I get:^{5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21}

And this is only what I can dredge up from my history in the past week or so. Sad, alarming, and completely unnecessary. I hope any brands reading this know that I’ll be happy to give your product a fair shake and its due. I just hope you’ve selected a PR firm that can treat us with respect, forthrightness, and dignity. As for you, Cashmere, the IP addresses from which the above come²² have been permanently banned. Well done for you, and well done for your client.

Speak Out, Bloggers!:

Darcy at The Art of Drink

Jon at DrinkPlanner

SeanMike at Scofflaw’s Den

Marleigh at SLOSHED!

Blair at Trader Tiki’s Booze Blog

Chris at An Exercise in Hospitality

Stevi at Two at the Most

Tiare at A Mountain of Crushed Ice

Paul at the Cocktail Chronicles

Chuck at Looka!

Matt at A Jigger of Blog

Spam this, bitches is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. granted, you’ve been nice enough to mold the fecal material into the shape of your brand name, thanks for that – at least I know who to blame
2. and believe me, this is my “home”
3. there are others, mind you, these just come to mind first
4. I’m sorry, “virally-seeding message board discussions” is the euphemism of choice, right?
5. “I keep hearing about his bohemian absinthe. The only brand i have tried is LE TOURMENT VERT. It was really good too! I suggest it to all absinthe lovers!”
6. “I might have to try this”
7. “Is this drink in the states yet?”
8. “Verte is the best one to me! Le tourment vert is so good and is really taking Americans by storm”
9. “Can’t wait to start trying absinthe!”
10. “That looks like fun…I’m gonna have to attend!”
11. “absinthe nice. my new favorite drink.”
12. “gonna try the financial district tonight”
13. “Not a big fan of vermouth but that drink sounds good!”
14. “what is this guy talking about?”
15. “since it has the word “ginger” in it, it should be pretty healthy, right? that’s what i’ll tell anyone who asks.”
16. “What are some great new cocktails?”
17. “Your description makes my mouth water. “Almond and lemon lingers after swallowing, with a modest alcohol burn.” Sounds incredible.”
18. “Yaw silly….. what yaw drinking on?”
19. “this looks delicious!”
20. “i’ve never been a fan of mixed drinks until i came into the poison apple martini

    POISON APPLE MARTINI
    Easily batched for the mini carafe bottles
    1oz Le Tourment Absinthe
    1/2oz Apple Pucker
    1/2oz Sweet Sour
    Splash Cranberry Juice
    - Shake well and strain into rocks glass
    “

21. “I’m starting to grow on absinthe.”
22. of which there are only 2

Why not, indeed. While this was before my more enlightened drinking days I still liked to put a good spread of alcohol and this begat ‘The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland’. A drink born of woe, ignorance, and boorishness. All of the below is true. I leave you to it:

The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland (aka A step-by-step guide to confirming, to the world, you’re an utter asshat)
1 pt Scotch²
1 pt Kahlua
1 pt Butterscotch Schnapps
1 pt Cask & Cream Caramel Liqueur
1 pt Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper
2 pts Idiot³

Instructions:

Prior to mixing your STS:
Prior to making your STS comment on how cheap rent is in Tulsa compared to wherever you’re from, and then immediately ask how much the host’s mortgage is for such a large house, and then do a turnabout saying, ‘That’s high!’ and further add to the insult to your host by asking the follow-up question, ‘Is that a thirty-year note?’ Be sure to state several times that the school you’re attending is not a degree-granting school and yet your parents are paying really embarrassing amount for it⁴ . Look perplexed anytime someone asks ‘So what are your plans after school/What will you do with that?’

Exclaim, ‘Oh!’

Add the Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper on top of the mix. Do not stir. Approach the host with the glass high in front of you and explain that your drink seems to have curdled the cream liqueur and you’d like a straw. Recriminate the host/hostess for giving the drink a distasteful look and laughing at your trying to unscrew the cork to the Scotch as he/she gives you the straw. Briskly stir the drink.

Note who actually takes a drink, this is your best bet.

Attempt to connect with said ‘best bet’ for the evening by running through a list of people you knew once that may have been in the same bar as this person over a four year period in which this person lived within 100 miles of them or you. Insist that this person danced like a fairy and wore raver outfits for a period roughly 7-10 years ago (Note: if the person is wearing a raver outfit, use ‘cowboy’). When the person protests, act incredulous and restate yourself more loudly make yourself another STS (see above).

Take the host/hostess’s currently most recently prized possession and drunkenly fuck with it. Mess with the party music, hi-fi equipment, and/or playlist and explain that ‘YOU ALL MUST SIMPLY HEAR THIS SONG!!’ (Bonus points if the above two steps are combined)

Dance ’sexily’ in a narrow space between to paired off people/triads attempting to have a conversation about something other than yourself. Accept compliments offered ironically, without irony.

Get taken to a bar and left behind.

This is not a composite of characters or events from many parties I’ve had over the years. This is a singularity to be avoided at all costs. Share your party guest nightmares and, if you ask politely, I might just send you the subject’s name.⁵

The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. to my brother-in-law’s credit he continues to acknowledge how horrible this was for everyone and apologize for it
2. must be aged at least 12 years and over and cost no less than $35/L, anything less won’t do where you’re from
3. Can be substituted with ‘Douche’ in a pinch
4. I presume having you 2000 miles away is well worth the investment
5. oddly enough, during that same visit to Tulsa from Boston she showed up at another party a friend of mine held and pretty much acted in the same manner. Luckily, I did not attend. Sorry Joe.

That out-of-the-way however, this is the sort of attention-grabbing, publicity-stuntish, and misguided attempt at “education” that drives me batshit loco. It’s like that doofus Will Cramer who yells at you and through his exuberance hides the fact that he’s giving you information that any broker on Wall Street had at least 24 hours before and whose value is now diminshed to the point of being moot; except in this case it’s trying to get you to do shit my 5-year-old will tell you is retarded. I understand what he’s trying to do; yes, different varietals have basic flavor profiles that are shared across vintages, terroirs, etc. and you can train your palate to identify those core characteristics and better evaluate wines from those baseline flavors. But, and let me make this clear, *ahem* you shouldn’t have to eat bacteria-ridden dirt, eat rank-ass tobacco, lick rocks, et al to understand the tones and flavor profiles of wine. When 80-90% of our sense of taste (only bitter, sweet, salt, and sour aside – and umami if you want to get real damned technical) is derived from the sense of smell, this is completely useless and counterintuitive and is more likely to turn people off from exploring wine than turn them on. That is, Conan’s reaction is just about on-target with how the majority of people would react in this situation, ‘You’re an idiot…’

This defeats Vaynerchuk’s core mission which is noble and well-handled through his vlog. All that aside, I bet his traffic spiked a good amount after this sort of visibility, and more power to him on that score. I just hope people get past this foolhardiness and stay for the well-reasoned and informative look at wine his vlog provides. Slate online magazine also has a great profile of Vaynerchuk here; definitely worth a read.

"Training Your Palate" a.k.a. "Make Conan O'Brien Eat Crap" is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. If you’re viewing this through Google Reader or another aggregator without accessing the site, the video here may not appear until you open this post

WARNING:

Now that I’m like a ‘REAL LIVE BLOGGER!’ I occasionally discover strange and unsolicited emails in my inbox via my Contact form and other means. Most of these are pleasant, provide me with offers of samples, inquire about advertising, or promote their product in a respectful and mannered way, offering recipe ideas for their product (usually including nefarious ingredients such as sweet & sour) or otherwise getting their name in front of me. However, occasionally, you get something so absurd, so misdirected, and, in this case, horrifyingly and self-consciously trying to hit a mildly misogynistic and/or possibly pop-culture and irony-laden reference-loving and/or possibly middle-aged with kids – but we’re not sure – but still, try our product dude!! Dude?!- you still there bra? that well, I just got taken aback a bit.  

The Full Text:¹ 

To: gabriel@cocktailnerd.com

Subject: www.mikesology.com – cocktailnerd form 

With Mike’s Hard Lemonade

you don’t need to change at all

Mike’s Hard Lemonade recently launched a fully interactive and instructional website (www.mikesology.com). The site has outrageous info, tips, downloadable audio, photos, and video clips for anyone looking to dodge the boredom of responsibility. Visitors are invited inside the gates to learn the secrets and special Jedi skills necessary to revel in the beauty of being a slacker. We’ve all been there. We know the drill.We mature, get our own places, and are forced to change by girlfriends, fiancées, parents, and even bosses. Topics like gutter cleaning, fine art, faking a golf swing, and yard games are all covered. We are supposed to talk about 401k’s, read ancient books, and wear formal gear…you name it, it’s lame. With a major in Mikesology, you can be like a method actor —in your own life.

The Evisceration:

you don’t need to change at all² - What, my pants? Sounds awesome…I freaking hate pants!

Mike’s Hard Lemonade recently launched a fully interactive and instructional website (www.mikesology.com). - Let’s start with the sentence itself; it’s about as fun and exciting as marketing collateral for dryer vent hose. Really, they have?…KILLER, BRA! Now, I visited this thing, for about 3 minutes. I went there as an honest attempt to find fodder for this post, and from a usability standpoint it’s just shoddy. All flash, and no focus. Do they really think the fucking 17-year-old college-dorm-dwelling-wannabes that this seems to be targeted to really have time, 1: to wait for the stupid thing to load, or 2: hunt every freaking Easter Egg there down and from poorly written and obtuse clues glean what the hell you’re supposed to be doing? Fully interactive? – no, Instructional? – fuck off, Fun? – dear god please get a drink in my hand, and anything but Mike’s Hard Lemonade, because this the 3rd circle of hell realized on the Internet. Let’s continue:

The site has outrageous info, tips, downloadable audio, photos, and video clips for anyone looking to dodge the boredom of responsibility. Visitors are invited inside the gates³ to learn the secrets and special Jedi skills necessary to revel in the beauty of being a slacker. - Once again, no, it’s not ‘outrageous’ and it damned well doesn’t have it. Here’s the downloadable content I found in my 3 minute trek: A fucking cut-out I’m supposed to print out and put around one of the books I have on my shelves⁴ to make it look like War & Peace by Tolstoy. Got that everyone? For some reason, and incongruously at best, I’m supposed to take time out, find a color printer to print this retarded thing out, and then put it around a book to make it look like I have an intellectual bent as it gets shelved between this and this.

You’re mixed up, TRUST, because the last time I checked, the types of girls interested in the type of guy this site thinks it’s about and will attract aren’t checking a dude’s bookshelf for Tolstoy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that mind you, but jesus, THIS is your value-added content? It’s like a room of 50-year-olds sat around brainstorming⁵ and mind-mapping out what the ‘kids are into these days’ and then picked some oddly contrived ‘opposites’ of those things to put on the site. I’ll pass. And don’t try to win me back with your post-modern hip-nerd reference to Jedis. Qui-Gon, Kit Fisto, and Obi-Wan were many many things, but slackers wasn’t one of them.

We know the drill.We mature, get our own places, and are forced to change by girlfriends, fiancées, parents, and even bosses. Topics like gutter cleaning, fine art, faking a golf swing, and yard games are all covered. We are supposed to talk about 401k’s, read ancient books, and wear formal gear…you name it, it’s lame. With a major in Mikesology, you can be like a method actor —in your own life. - You know the drill? ‘Getting your own place’ is a bummer? Really? Wow, because I remember it being the most awesome thing in my life, ever, and it allowing me to party harder than I ever had before. What, are you thinking we don’t ‘get our own places’ before the age of 30 nowadays? Or is this a weird amalgamation of themes to appeal to any possible male you might ever possibly send this to? Hrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm; ‘get your own place’ – a drag to a 40-year-old in his parent’s basement, check; ‘forced to change by girlfriends’ – a drag to weak-minded 30-somethings who now feel lucky to have a girlfriend despite deep character flaws, check; ‘fiancees’ – see above, but weaker, check; ‘parents’ – a drag to people we shouldn’t be sending this to, check!

And seriously, topics like ‘fine art’, ‘faking a golf swing’, and ‘formal gear’? Huh?!! Who the hell are they sending this to? You know what’s ‘lame’, asstards; I’ve never heard the term ‘formal gear’ in my freaking life. I picture some sort of weird tuxedo/camouflage thing equipped with night-vision goggles and silencer attachments; for taking out the hottie and killing commies like our daddies did I suppose. And news flash, you idiots, people worried about gutter cleaning, their golf swing, and 401ks aren’t looking to Mike’s Hard Lemonade to cure their ills. Them I’ve met, and they’re usually looking for something that doesn’t conjure a manly man’s name, the term ‘Hard’, and wussy drinks like ‘Lemonade’ so prevalently connected. Or, that don’t suck. I’m just sayin’. When they want something ‘Hard’ they actually drink something hard like single-malt Scotch…neat, not your weak-assed alcopop.

And, my god, ‘method actor –in your own life’? What the fuck does that even meeeeaaaaan, man? Again, they just brainstormed hip-sounding crap that has no meaning… Hey, the kids all know method acting, right? Yeah – like DeNiro and Hoffman; they’re big-time stars! Yeah, let’s say it’s like method acting – in your life! WOOHOOO, we got ourselves a winner! Break out the MHL boys!

Lay all this on top of the fact that the only Mike’s Hard Lemonade allowed to be sold in Oklahoma is 3.2% ABV (due to some really really old alcohol laws on the books that I’ll get into someday) and you have an even more ironic, and sad, reading of this thing. So, retailers and marketing firms, let this be a warning; offer me samples – I’ll be fair and would love to have them, offer me thought-out recipes – I might just try them, offer me information to build my product knowledge – it might just be interesting and lead me to seek it out, but please do not insult my freaking intelligence. It makes the baby Mike cry.

TRUST – A message full of stupid is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. all punctuation and formatting maintained from the original to incriminate the stupid
2. you’re already likely a 17 to 20-year-old  lame no-taste-having sad sack of crap!!
3. of fucking Hell
4. thanks for the presumption I own a book, fellas
5. or ‘imagineering’!

Now, long before I began my journey into cocktail appreciation I had a distrust of ‘bartending flair’. I found out pretty well into a relationship with a good friend of mine that he is a graduate of the local (and only) bartending school. This piqued my interest and I asked him what they covered. He mentioned spirits, their history, drink-making techniques, and flair. Well, when I asked him how they taught making a Mojito he plaintively asked, ‘What’s that?’. After my impulse to scream and rend my clothing passed, I made him a proper Mojito (it was delicious) and then immediately decided that the school must definitely have emphasized the ‘flair’ bit and that I won’t ever be going. Since then I’ve been highly suspicious of and annoyed by anything approaching ‘extreme bartending’, and with my foray into true cocktail appreciation, my disdain has only grown.

So, it was with growing horror I saw this downstairs:

Extreme Bartending on Rachel Ray

And you missed the part where they showed their bottle flair juggling stunts. Now, I am a pretty easy-going fellow, but I have a few pet peeves:

• air quotes
• ‘According to Jim’
• wasting my bloody time when I need food service or my drink order taken/refilled

[rant]
You know those restaurants/abominations that intermittently have the servers stop everything they’re doing in the name of pleasing and serving the customer to dance to ‘Y.M.C.A.’, do a line dance, or clap loudly and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to some poor sap wearing a travesty of a hat whose office peers thought it’d be a lot of fun to ‘get one over on ol’ Dan!’. I can tell by your expression that you do. Same thing with asshat flair bartending. You’ve succeeding in making only three things by doing this:

• a mess
• a shitty drink
• a potential fire hazard
• a waste of my time
• me pissed off because I’m sitting here sucking on melted ice for the past 4 damned minutes

Ok, so maybe it’s a ‘Pick 3′ sort of thing, but you get my point. Besides looking ridiculous I’m not paying you $8-10 for the pleasure of having half my drink in the bar mat, with the alcohol burned off, and my time wasted. “Hey you… yeah, you, about to flip that bottle around your neck… Sit down, shut up, and make my damned drink, assclown… and put that sour mix away while you’re at it.”
[/rant]

Jeffrey Morgenthaler has a great post covering some of these same issues and more here (and he’s right on the ice thing, I do some food service consulting and I go ballistic when I see glass meeting ice, it’s dangerous and pointless) and I highly recommend it if you haven’t read it already. As for me, I’ll take good mise en place and professionalism in my bartending everytime. And honestly, so should you. The world will be a better place for it.

Extreme Buffoonery is a post from: cocktailnerd