Last night, the “Historical Oracle,” David Wondrich visited Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report and performed his typical rat-a-tat-a-tat shaking style, discussed Prohibition-era cocktails, how to strain drinks through one’s beard, and how to get Stephen Colbert to sex you up all night. The key, Cherry Heering.

Wondrich appeared, in part, to promote his book Imbibe!: From Absinthe Cocktail to Whiskey Smash which you should buy, post-haste.

Colbert Bump

• 1.5oz Gin
• 1oz Cherry Heering
• .25oz fresh lemon juice
• Heavy splash of soda

Fill a tall glass with ice and build. Stir and serve.

Wondrich Invents the Colbert Bump-Colbert Wants Dave's Digits is a post from: cocktailnerd

Is there Biochemistry involved? Yes. Is it the most appropriate topic, or approach, in a college classroom? Well, you decide.

I think one of the more interesting things is why you get happy drunks and sad drunks. Right? You guys read this chapter? I should give you a quiz so you’ll read it.

If you’re exercising a lot, real strenuously, you sort of wear out your glycogen reserves and you sort of get in a hungry stage, and if you go out drinking with your buddies, right, you get a bigger bang for your buck ¹ . Right? And depending on how well fed you [are or] not, you can, you can, get sort of, as we say here, uh, agitated? Impaired judgment? Shall we say? And why does that happen?²

Well it happens because when you drink, you have to uh, remove the alcohol, and you remove the alcohol by alcohol dehydrogenase and acid aldehyde dehydrogenase. This creates higher levels of NADH in the cytosol. And so you’re not really getting a lot on energy, per say, at that point in time. And then those higher levels of NADH cause a shift of pyruvate to lactate, and it also causes oxaloacetate to malate shift. These are the precursors of glucose from the liver.

So, you know, if you’re exercising, and you go drinking, you get, you get a little, little wilder, you know. Have you ever tried Gatorade and beer?³ Hopping gators? Get drunk on that? It used to be popular when I was in college. Well, well, Gatorade and anything ⁴ , because the the the carbonate and the glucose gives you [I couldn't really hear this part, something about the carbonate and the glucose and an enhanced uptake, and screwing something.] ⁵

Anyway, so, so you end up, uh, um, screwing up your glucose levels and just like any war usually starts when people are hungry⁶ . Or fights start when people are hungry⁷ . Or if you look at the Saturday night shootings of spouses, you know, it all happens after alcohol⁸ . So, vitamin B’s play a role in this. I’m going to ask you some roles for thiamine and, and uh, pyridoxine and some of this stuff. You know, beer has a lot of B vitamins, but, but typically if you’re drinking a light American beer in, into excess, you’ll go into a vitamin B deficiency.

So. If you want to be happy and drunk, you should drink and eat, like Europeans do⁹ and have lots of B vitamins. And don’t drink – don’t go out, like, at midnight and and drink like a fish, and not expect to have the consequences¹⁰ .

So, to make sure we understand the drinking rules according to Professor Bombast, the promised quiz:

* Please note that my views on alcohol consumption are in no way linked to the professor quoted above and that I believe moderation, safety of one’s self, and the safety of others are always of primary importance and that this is not meant to glorify or encourage overconsumption in any way. I’m not sure how you might get that impression, but someone surely will, so, if that’s you, go back and re-read this several times until it sticks.

What Makes a "Sad Drunk"? (And yes, there will be a quiz…) is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. is this actually something many people do, get all work-out sweaty and tired and then drink themselves silly?
2. the answer is “the booze” right, chief?
3. sounds delicious, orange, green, or blue?
4. Zima!!
5. heh, the side effect of Hopping Gators? You get to screw something…nice.
6. Yes, correct, Hitler just needed a Twinkie…good call
7. this guy’s family at Thanksgiving must look like a WWE PPV event
8. this is just a weird thing to throw in there, just the most unscientific creepy thing he probably could have said – sort of like Ben Stein
9. this guy’s big on socio-cultural generalizations
10. Thanks doc, I sure won’t, especially after my 1am spin class

Oh, do tell! is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. Taken by good friends of mine driving through Kansas who, naturally, had to backtrack and get a photo. Thanks guys.

Why not, indeed. While this was before my more enlightened drinking days I still liked to put a good spread of alcohol and this begat ‘The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland’. A drink born of woe, ignorance, and boorishness. All of the below is true. I leave you to it:

The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland (aka A step-by-step guide to confirming, to the world, you’re an utter asshat)
1 pt Scotch²
1 pt Kahlua
1 pt Butterscotch Schnapps
1 pt Cask & Cream Caramel Liqueur
1 pt Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper
2 pts Idiot³

Instructions:

Prior to mixing your STS:
Prior to making your STS comment on how cheap rent is in Tulsa compared to wherever you’re from, and then immediately ask how much the host’s mortgage is for such a large house, and then do a turnabout saying, ‘That’s high!’ and further add to the insult to your host by asking the follow-up question, ‘Is that a thirty-year note?’ Be sure to state several times that the school you’re attending is not a degree-granting school and yet your parents are paying really embarrassing amount for it⁴ . Look perplexed anytime someone asks ‘So what are your plans after school/What will you do with that?’

Exclaim, ‘Oh!’

Add the Cherry/Vanilla Dr. Pepper on top of the mix. Do not stir. Approach the host with the glass high in front of you and explain that your drink seems to have curdled the cream liqueur and you’d like a straw. Recriminate the host/hostess for giving the drink a distasteful look and laughing at your trying to unscrew the cork to the Scotch as he/she gives you the straw. Briskly stir the drink.

Note who actually takes a drink, this is your best bet.

Attempt to connect with said ‘best bet’ for the evening by running through a list of people you knew once that may have been in the same bar as this person over a four year period in which this person lived within 100 miles of them or you. Insist that this person danced like a fairy and wore raver outfits for a period roughly 7-10 years ago (Note: if the person is wearing a raver outfit, use ‘cowboy’). When the person protests, act incredulous and restate yourself more loudly make yourself another STS (see above).

Take the host/hostess’s currently most recently prized possession and drunkenly fuck with it. Mess with the party music, hi-fi equipment, and/or playlist and explain that ‘YOU ALL MUST SIMPLY HEAR THIS SONG!!’ (Bonus points if the above two steps are combined)

Dance ’sexily’ in a narrow space between to paired off people/triads attempting to have a conversation about something other than yourself. Accept compliments offered ironically, without irony.

Get taken to a bar and left behind.

This is not a composite of characters or events from many parties I’ve had over the years. This is a singularity to be avoided at all costs. Share your party guest nightmares and, if you ask politely, I might just send you the subject’s name.⁵

The Shittiest Toilet in Scotland is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. to my brother-in-law’s credit he continues to acknowledge how horrible this was for everyone and apologize for it
2. must be aged at least 12 years and over and cost no less than $35/L, anything less won’t do where you’re from
3. Can be substituted with ‘Douche’ in a pinch
4. I presume having you 2000 miles away is well worth the investment
5. oddly enough, during that same visit to Tulsa from Boston she showed up at another party a friend of mine held and pretty much acted in the same manner. Luckily, I did not attend. Sorry Joe.

• Cocktail mixers being used in nefarious and inappropriate ways,
• Cocktail mixers being just plain awful, and
• Using mixing ingredients as substitutes when they really ought not be.

Let’s take an example from each¹ , the first being:

One of the worst mixer experiences of my life occurred in a bar in the heat of New York City’s summers smack dab in the center of the West Village. The bar, called The Red Lion had a special out front that specified ‘Rosé Wine for the Summertime–2 to 1!!’. Being naive and a lover of rosé I sauntered in on a hot evening with several friends to listen to the music and see what in the hell this special was all about. As I was nominated to gather the first drinks, I made the mistake of asking the bartender ‘What kind of rosé is on special tonight..is it French? Californian?” He grinned with a sinister and almost mocking smile when he told me, “Well, actually it’s all our corked white wine for the week mixed with our lovely
strawberry daiquiri mix!!!”

I personally like this because it’s a two-for-one tale of drinking woe: the misuse of a mixer in drinks and an object lesson of just how shoddy bartending practices have become in far too many bars. For the bartender to freely admit, and almost gloat at the establishment’s disdain for its clientele, not to mention using a mixer in a freaking Rosé, goes to show how depraved most public drinking has become. Have you no decency, bartending guy, at long last?!

To illustrate the second type of mixer mishap with which I was presented we have:

My girlfriend and I were in the Whole Foods in my town, planning a nice, leisurely brunch, when we decided to pick up some Bloody Mary mix. We were going to go with one of the major brands, until she saw one marked with the green “Local” tag. So, we took home a bottle of Memphis Mary Mix, “Now With Southern Spices.” The next morning, I added some Stoly to the mix, gave it a stir, and took a sip of the booziest barbecue sauce I’ve ever had.

Now, far be it from me to dis on boozy barbecue sauce, I can think of worse things to drink² . But, very often when finding and using a mixer that stands out using a gimmick such as ‘Locally Grown’, ‘100% Organic’, or ‘Will Give Sexual Perks within Minutes!!’³ , caveat emptor. More often than not these are products designed with utility and purpose as an afterthought versus having the drink, and presumably the drinker, for which they’re supposedly designed, in mind.

Finally, we have a fellow blogger from his post:

I was shopping one day when I stumbled into the Kosher section and found a product that I thought, “Hey let’s buy this and see what it’s all about.” That product would be dried kosher egg whites. Hmmm . . . you add some to warm water and stir for 2.6897 minutes, according to the strangely specific instructions, and VOILA! you have an egg white. Throw it in your mixing tin and off to the races.

And now, your Scofflaw’s Den Public Service Announcement:

FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY AND RIGHT IN THIS WORLD DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

This was some bad mojo!!! First of all, the powered “egg” doesn’t really “mix” with warm water. It kind of sits there and forms a goop. Yes, a goop. Oh, and it foams. Yes, foamy goop.

Second, it smells. A smell somewhere between the two that was concocted within the depths of Hell most likely from whatever washed out of Hitler’s dirty underroos. (And yes, considering this is a Kosher product should be viewed as double damning!)

Finally, this hell created stench contaminates everything it touches. [Everything from] the little mixing bowl, the mixing glass, the mixing tin, the hawthorn strainer…and the garbage disposal that almost threw it up back at me. I happened to have the dish detergent that has the bleach alternative in it. Yeah, it took two washings of everything to get the stench out.

So I came away with a ruined drink and a boat load of knowledge to pass along. Please learn from my mistakes. Use fresh egg whites. Maybe the egg whites you can buy in a paper carton, but I haven’t tried those and therefore can’t vouch for them.

Ahem, well, I can say from my own experience that the only egg white fit to use in a cocktail is just that, a damned egg white. Besides, I enjoy the gentle art and skill of separating eggs. Like my love of pens and stationary, it’s not easily explained.

For style I have to give a whole lot of credit to Marshall for his entry but something in me says, “What, you tried what?!?! And you expected huh?!”, and I can’t entirely blame the product for that. But again, well-written and entertaining nonetheless.

I have to give the prize to Joe who nearly took one for the team where corked wine and sub-standard Daquiri mixer congealed into a Cronenbergian© dystopian taste experience that may have led him reeling like Dr. Benway along the New York City streets. I appreciate all of the entries and thank you for the interest and participation. It’s been fun, mostly…

Mixer Mishaps: The results are in…and is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. some entries have been edited for length and grammar, but not style
2. I’ve actually had one of these on a dare in my less evolved drinking days
3. I actually scanned my junk folder for an actual spam subject line-just amazing

1. Making an Aviation by candlelight is seriously risky business, and making the second or third, even more risky (alcohol and candles can become…illuminating)
2. Making an Aviation or Gin & Tonic without ice, even when leaving the bottles outside to chill and cutting it with a bit of water to match the dilution shaking would create, pretty much leaves with a drink tasting in the Sterno category of flavors.
3. Don’t use the ice outside to compensate. Ever.
4. Drinking gin neat is similar to trying to have sex with the flu, the body’s willing, and you know you like it in principle, but it just ends badly.
5. No matter how many glasses of Sterno Gin & Tonics you have, you will decide against having sex with only one wall between you and your in-laws and no television in your room.
6. Drinking Egg Nog and Champagne together is a really fucking horrible experience.
7. Liquor stores that open without electricity and run two registers and a couple of work lights from generators deserve your continued patronage. Saints, those people.
8. Sitting around by candle and battery-powered lamplight and singing Christmas Carols and drinking wine is great fun until one of the following happens:
   • The batteries run out on the lamp mid-carol and you’re walking around with your guitar, drink, and a candle trying to figure out in a strange house where any other batteries may be.
   • You and your playing partner take turns accidently knocking over glasses with your guitars and cleaning them up in really piss-poor lighting.
   • Someone requests ‘O Come, O Come, Emmanuel’
9. When power returns and you decide to try out Jeffrey Morgenthaler’s Wassail recipe, be sure the crockpot you use has an actual ‘Warm’ setting and not just a ‘Low’ setting. Apparently ‘Low’ is actually a cooking temperature and, well, you get Egg Drop Wassail when the egg proteins start to bond and it becomes, to most people, unpleasantly chunky¹ .
10. Monopoly is still boring, and no amount of alcohol (or fancy electronic credit card thingy) will ever change that.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Tulsa is a post from: cocktailnerd

1. although a few people nominated for best drink they’d had all year, partially based on the chunks

It was from a 3rd grade multiplication assignment he completed in-class (by ‘1’s no less – wheeeee!). Needless to say he must have been bored; his response to the ‘7 people waiting in a line. How many people in all?’ was to draw a line of people waiting on a port-a-potty with the people (along with SpongeBob) at various stages of bladder distress. As you can imagine, I’ve rarely been more proud of my son’s schoolwork.

The next parent-teacher conference should prove interesting indeed.

A Portrait of the Cocktailian as a Young Man is a post from: cocktailnerd

Some of you may have seen this in the latest issue of Imbibe, as I did, and may have had a similar reaction, ‘WTfF?!’. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the scent of a good bourbon as much as the next red-blooded male, but wow, a cologne? ‘But officer, I needed a ‘pick-me-up’!’. ‘Yeah son, get your hands on the car…’

Not to mention the fact that among the DUI, *ahem* I mean ‘Happy Hour’, family of fragrances is:

• Sex on the Beach
• Mojito
• Black Russian
• Cocktail Party to Go
• Martini
• Cosmopolitan
• Pina Colada
• Champagne Brut

To what end do you wear these and in what scenarios are they appropriate? If you’re going out clubbing and/or are hanging in the ‘hipster’ scene wouldn’t it be slightly more authentic to, I don’t know, just smell of the damned drink by actually drinking the damned drink? I’m an old and dying breed of wannabe-punker and I can fairly well say that anyone wearing a perfume of a ‘hard core/cutting edge/fight the man’ scent would have rightfully had their asses kicked post-haste.

At the point you show up to a rave, mosh pit, or whatever your preferred counter-cultural leaning might be wearing a cologne of this versus just actually being dirty, I’m fairly certain you’re a lost cause and should turn in your ‘cool’ badge you earned at 18 in at the door, especially when you’ve paid $20/oz for the dubious honor. Though I am awfully curious about the ‘Holy Water‘ and ‘Snow‘ scents; those appeal to my ironic, and slightly Dadaist, leanings.

Eau de DUI is a post from: cocktailnerd

Now, being who I am and doing what I do I appreciate the sort of effort and thinking process this sort of thing would involve. Hell, I wouldn’t mind helping out with deciding how the roll tables for negative character effects should be laid out and stratified, ‘Oh, bugger off, I am NOT at a 2d6+10 yet! Just, go to hell you… you… nurf…’ *whump*. And, voila, the ‘Hammered’ drunkenness roll would be born. So, for your further amusement, cheers… and try not to head into the ’save vs. poison’ territory (brilliant, that).

Damn! I rolled a buhlevin! is a post from: cocktailnerd

There are so many things wrong here; the doorknob has been installed backwards by today’s standards (certainly while Joe was on a bender after being burgled), Joe’s son needs a frickin’ haircut and possibly an eyebrow waxing, and Joe seems to have a tendency to carry glassware around indiscriminately. However, Joe’s car is bitchin’; I’m just sayin’.

But I have three kids… is a post from: cocktailnerd